Odds are I will continue to have questions and some thoughts in this blog that may not seem all that Christian. I am not claiming that it is okay to have the thoughts I have, but hiding my true thoughts and "pretending" to a better Christian than I am would be against the idea of this site. Honesty even when it does not shed a very good light on me is what I hope to do . I will not share all my thoughts because if I did you might think I am a bit mentally unstable. I can already tell you that is true.
This website was inspired by Tanner which you may have already read about if you visited "Get it?" Tanner is missed more than I can ever explain. I am not sure if God is telling me to do create this site and t-shirts or if I am simply trying to make something positive out of something horribly negative. I keep feeling like is is something I am suppose to do so I hope some good comes from my efforts.
What you are about to read is not pleasant and very difficult for me to write. They are my thoughts and a few things I recall saying the morning of Tanner's death.
Why am I sharing this? You can not begin to understand what is in the mind of someone that has lost someone until you experience a little of what they experience.
My first thought and words as we (Kim, Hannah and I) walked back into our home that morning after Hannah's soccer practice. I can not recall my exact thoughts and things I was saying to myself, but this is what I remember: Comments in Blue and Thoughts in gray.
"It is too quiet"
Something doesn't seem right... empty feeling.
I will go wake up Lacey first because she was suppose to do her chores while we were gone. Tanner is probably not up because he has a lot of homework to catch up on. I feel sorry for him, but he can't put off schoolwork like that.
AFTER WAKING LACEY - Entering his room:
Something is not right.. why is he on the floor with his comforter covering everything except his left foot. Oh God! Something does not look right with his foot...
As I remove the comforter:
Blankness then confusion for a moment.... Did he have a seizure. Sh_t! He is cold. "CALL 911... CALL 911... CALL 911" Oh God I think he is gone.
Picked Tanner up and carried him to the living room:
I have to give him CPR, but he is cold and ridged. I don't think it will help. God don't let this happen.
I begin CPR:
This is not doing anything. There is no response and I don't feel his energy. He is gone. Oh God. I can't stop because I don't want Kim to know I think he is gone... I don't want her to think I would ever give up on him. If I could do something to bring him back I would, but I think he is gone. Oh, God... Hannah is watching. She does not understand what I am doing? She should not be seeing this. I can't stop to take her away because I don't want Kim to think I have given up. God please help me! Why is it taking so long for the ambulance? We need an EMT. What I am doing is not working.
Help arrives:
They are not getting a response. I can see it in their actions and what they are doing that he is gone and they are just putting on a act so they can take him away. Oh God how can I comfort my family when I feel like I am losing it. God I just want to disappear into the mountains. I don't want to be here. I want to be away from here. I can't do this. What do we say to Lacey and Hannah. Hannah is too little to understand. Oh God I can't do this. I don't want to be here......
I will not go into the details of the emotions and thoughts at the hospital while we were waiting and after we were told Tanner was gone. All I can tell you is that there was Anger, Fear, Sadness, Confusion, and a lot of praying. Praying that did not bring him back.
