Losing a Son - Dad's Perspective

Odds are I will continue to have questions and some thoughts in this blog that may not seem all that Christian. I am not claiming that it is okay to have the thoughts I have, but hiding my true thoughts and "pretending" to a better Christian than I am would be against the idea of this site. Honesty even when it does not shed a very good light on me is what I hope to do . I will not share all my thoughts because if I did you might think I am a bit mentally unstable. I can already tell you that is true.

This website was inspired by Tanner which you may have already read about if you visited "Get it?" Tanner is missed more than I can ever explain. I am not sure if God is telling me to do create this site and t-shirts or if I am simply trying to make something positive out of something horribly negative. I keep feeling like is is something I am suppose to do so I hope some good comes from my efforts.

What you are about to read is not pleasant and very difficult for me to write. They are my thoughts and a few things I recall saying the morning of Tanner's death.

Why am I sharing this? You can not begin to understand what is in the mind of someone that has lost someone until you experience a little of what they experience.

My first thought and words as we (Kim, Hannah and I) walked back into our home that morning after Hannah's soccer practice. I can not recall my exact thoughts and things I was saying to myself, but this is what I remember: Comments in Blue and Thoughts in gray.

"It is too quiet"
Something doesn't seem right... empty feeling.
I will go wake up Lacey first because she was suppose to do her chores while we were gone. Tanner is probably not up because he has a lot of homework to catch up on. I feel sorry for him, but he can't put off schoolwork like that.

AFTER WAKING LACEY - Entering his room:
Something is not right.. why is he on the floor with his comforter covering everything except his left foot. Oh God! Something does not look right with his foot...

As I remove the comforter:
Blankness then confusion for a moment.... Did he have a seizure. Sh_t! He is cold. "CALL 911... CALL 911... CALL 911" Oh God I think he is gone.

Picked Tanner up and carried him to the living room:
I have to give him CPR, but he is cold and ridged. I don't think it will help. God don't let this happen.

I begin CPR:
This is not doing anything. There is no response and I don't feel his energy. He is gone. Oh God. I can't stop because I don't want Kim to know I think he is gone... I don't want her to think I would ever give up on him. If I could do something to bring him back I would, but I think he is gone. Oh, God... Hannah is watching. She does not understand what I am doing? She should not be seeing this. I can't stop to take her away because I don't want Kim to think I have given up. God please help me! Why is it taking so long for the ambulance? We need an EMT. What I am doing is not working.

Help arrives:
They are not getting a response. I can see it in their actions and what they are doing that he is gone and they are just putting on a act so they can take him away. Oh God how can I comfort my family when I feel like I am losing it. God I just want to disappear into the mountains. I don't want to be here. I want to be away from here. I can't do this. What do we say to Lacey and Hannah. Hannah is too little to understand. Oh God I can't do this. I don't want to be here......

I will not go into the details of the emotions and thoughts at the hospital while we were waiting and after we were told Tanner was gone. All I can tell you is that there was Anger, Fear, Sadness, Confusion, and a lot of praying. Praying that did not bring him back.

What Happened

Since there was no obvious cause of death at first Kim and I were questioned by the police for what seemed like hours. Since I am the "step-dad" and it was reported on the news that "Tanner was found by his step-dad" I believe there were a few people out there that thought it seemed a little suspicious. Sadly, I would have likely had similar questions in my mind if I would have heard that a child died with no known cause and was found by his step-dad. Unfortunately it is the way most minds think because we feel like we have to pass judgement on somebody if there is an unknown. When I heard that my own 3 year old daughter saw me preforming CPR and told my neighbors that "daddy was hurting Tanner"... it was just about enough for me to go into a catatonic state in need of a immediate mental help. I felt as if I needed to go into self-protection mode and that everyone was looking at me. I wanted to get angry and yell at everyone that looked at me oddly or said anything that put me on the stand. I held it together for most people, but Kim had to deal with my delusions and confusion and I love her more than ever because of what she had to endure.

We are still not 100% satisfied with the autopsy results. They found that Tanner had a Cardiac Rhythmic Disturbance due to his Pectus Excavatum. If you are like us.... what the heck is that? Pectus Excavatum is a sunken in chest and the Cardiac Rhythmic Disturbance was best explained to us as a heart attack. Tanner had seen many doctors and Kim even took him to a specialist. Nobody had ever told us that Pectus Excavatum could cause internal problems. The specialist told Kim that any surgery would be purely cosmetic. All I have to say is DO NOT trust your doctors. Ask questions! Do your own research if something is abnormal with your child. Please let anyone you know that knows anyone with Pectus Excavatum to have them checked out regularly and thoroughly. I am a pretty paranoid person and I overlooked this and trusted the doctors and that haunts me daily. Doctors are great, but they really do not know everything.